The Balanced Life on The Huffington Post

Karen Salmansohn: Sleep Your Way To Success

2008-11-21T08:29:51Z

According to Charles Czeisler, a specialist in sleep deprivation at Harvard Medical School, lack of sleep can be as bad for productivity as drinking too much alcohol.

"We now know that 24 hours without sleep, or a week of sleeping four or five hours a night, induces an impairment equivalent to having alcohol level in the blood," says Czeisler. "We would never say, 'This person is a great worker! He's drunk all the time!' ...yet we continue to celebrate people who sacrifice sleep for work."

And Corporate America does promote workaholism amongst its ranks - pushing exec's to work marathon-100-hour-workweeks, encouraging employees to take red-eyes and land with fast-feet running to the office, rather than catch needed shut-eye and re-energize.

Dr. Czeisler warns that burning candles at both ends actually does not justify the productivity ends. Indeed sleep deprivation creates the antithesis to high performance.

"With too little sleep," Dr Czeisler says, "people do things that no CEO in his or her right mind would allow."

For this reason, Dr. Czeisler suggests companies now start to incorporate new sleep policies which oppose employees working beyond a 16-consecutive-hour period, and prohibit working or driving immediately after late-night or overnight flights.

Dr. Czeisler comments how it's interesting that companies have rules to protect employees against smoking and sexual harassment -- yet companies promote self-destructive workaholism behavior.

I suggest you keep Dr. Czeisler 's report in mind the next time you have a choice between working too long versus getting some needed sleep.

In fact, I suggest you sleep on all this information.

Gretchen Rubin: 7 Ways To Avoid Annoying Other People

2008-11-19T08:31:40Z

Most of us would like to get along well with others -- whether friends or strangers. One thing to keep in mind is that certain habits tend to get on other people's nerves. Now you might say, "If someone's annoyed when I talk on the phone in the grocery store, I don't care, because that's ridiculous!" The fact is, whether or not you think it's ridiculous, some people will be very annoyed. Just know that. Here are some common aggravations to keep in mind:

1. As I say to my three-year-old just about every day, "Don't use a whiny voice." Some people make a habit of talking in a whine, even when they're making a perfectly innocuous comment. Some people whine ALL THE TIME. Once I started paying attention, I realized that I do this far too often, myself, and I try to remember to say things like, "Have you seen my keys?" in a nice tone, not in a whiny tone.

2. Watch your cell phone use. You may think it's acceptable to talk in a store, or on a bus, or wherever, but remember that many people still find it extremely annoying when others use a phone in a public place.

3. Don't curse. I'm astonished by how many people use very bad language in crowded situations. You may feel fine about using the f-word in conversation with your friends, but if you're in the subway, other people are going to hear you, too.

4. Clean up after yourself.

5. Think about whether you're being interesting. Certain topics are very interesting to the speaker, much less interesting to the listener: descriptions of dreams, fond discussions about your children, re-tellings of the plots of movies or plays.

6. Watch the eye-stray. When you're talking to someone in a crowded room, it's tempting to keep looking around at the other people. This is very annoying to the person to whom you're speaking; it feels like you're hoping to find a more interesting conversationalist. Maintain eye contact, or if you're looking around for a reason, explain it. I was very annoyed by a woman who kept glancing over my shoulder, until she explained, "My husband is coming, and he doesn't know anyone here, and he's very shy, so I'm looking for him." Then I didn't mind.

7. Most importantly: remember that different things annoy different people. Unfortunately, the ways that we annoy others reflect our personal proclivities - so it's hard to be aware of how other people might react. E.g., if you're the kind of person who talks on the phone all the time, you probably aren't aware of how annoying other people find it. Or if you talk about your kids all the time, you probably don't know that a lot of people find that boring. As a person who scores low on Agreeableness, I'm not naturally very considerate - but I'm trying to be more mindful of my actions.

***

Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Alex Pattakos: Can You Deal With Life's "Crises"?

2008-11-12T09:23:45Z

Faced with an economic crisis, a housing crisis, a healthcare crisis, a global warming crisis, and a "war on terror" that appears to have no end in sight, it's no wonder that Americans are becoming increasingly stressed out! To be sure, life in the 21st Century is much more complex and complicated than what I had imagined when I was growing up. By the time we reached that magical year, "2000," I visualized and assumed that we all would be living in a utopian world much like "The Jetsons," the popular animated television show of the 1960s (by the way, a live-action adaptation of The Jetsons, produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions and Warner Brothers, is set for release in 2009!).

Alright, so the future is here and what I had imagined as a child--that is, my utopian, "Jetson-like," heaven on earth vision--did not come to pass. And, yes, we live in uncertain, volatile, fragile, and undoubtedly, stressful times. But life goes on, does it not? Why is it, however, that some people appear to have an easier time dealing with complex and challenging situations than others? And why do some people seem more capable of coping with stress, life challenges, and even "crises" outside of their control, than others?

One could say that through our various life experiences and from the investments we make in our own personal growth and development, our repertoire of coping skills can and usually does change over time. In other words, when we invest in ourselves--through, for instance, such things as training, counseling, and various methods of self-discovery, including, I should add, the learning opportunities that are available through the Living Section of HuffPo--the return, we figure, is going to be a renewed effectiveness in dealing with life's situations and, ideally, a more healthy and fulfilling life.

Naturally, this sounds pretty good. I'm afraid, however, that good intentions are not enough to get us through the myriad of life transitions that we all must face. Let me propose further that it's simply not enough to have a repertoire of coping skills (or, put differently, a "toolbox" filled with coping mechanisms) at our disposal, no matter how much we may have "paid" for them, when confronting life's formidable challenges and when dealing with stress. There is actually something more fundamental that, ultimately, must precede the use of such mechanisms if we really want to build and sustain our "coping" and stress management capabilities.

I was blessed to have as a mentor, the world-renown psychiatrist, Dr. Viktor Frankl, whose personal story of finding a reason to live in the most horrendous of circumstances--Nazi concentration camps--has inspired millions of people all around the world. In my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts (which I wrote at Dr. Frankl's personal urging), you'll find his philosophy and therapeutic approach applied to life and work in the 21st century. In this regard, here is an important passage from my book that relates directly to building one's capacity for dealing with stress even under unimaginable conditions; it describes Frankl's thoughts upon his arrival at Auschwitz:

Unless there was a 100% guarantee that I will be killed here on the spot, and I will never survive this concentration camp last part of my life, unless there is any guarantee, I'm responsible for living from now on in a way that I may make use of the slightest chance of survival, ignoring the great danger surrounding me in also all of the following camps I had been sent. This, as it were, a coping, not mechanism, but a coping maxim I adopted, I espoused, at that moment. (Emphasis Added)

In Frankl's case, had he not adopted his coping beliefs upon his arrival at Auschwitz, he might not have been able to sustain his optimistic and passionate view about his chances of survival. Importantly, by choosing his fundamental attitude, which he called his "coping maxim," the coping mechanisms in his psychiatrist tool kit then became more meaningful and effective, not only for himself but also for his fellow prisoners, who were trying against the odds to survive the inescapable horrors of the Nazi death camps.

What lessons, we should all ask ourselves, can we learn from Dr. Frankl's experience? Think about difficult situations in your own life or work in which your attitude played a defining role in how well you were able to cope. Think about the coping mechanisms that were at your disposal. Did you choose to use them? Why or why not? How effective were you in coping with the situation and the stresses that may have been associated with it? Now ask yourself a more fundamental question: What guides your coping skills? In other words, what principle or principles underlie your decision-making during crises and in complex, challenging, and stressful situations?

Now ponder the times when you observed people who were guided by their coping skills in difficult decision-making situations. I am sure that you can identify cases of extraordinary resolve by your family members, friends, and co-workers during times of hardship--personal or occupational. Although these situations may not have been as catastrophic as that experienced by Viktor Frankl, they may still have been formidable and highly stressful, and perhaps even inescapable, challenges to overcome or survive. What can you learn from these people and how will you "grow" from their experiences? As a result, what principle or principles will underlie and guide your decision-making in complex, challenging, and stressful situations, including crises, now and in the future? What is your coping maxim?

I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences...ask a question, share an opinion. Let's continue to use this forum to learn from and support each other so that we may all live with meaning!

***

You can find out more about Dr. Alex Pattakos, author of the international bestselling book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl's Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work, in his HuffPost Bio and at http://www.prisonersofourthoughts.com. Contact Alex at: alex@prisonersofourthoughts.com.

Christine Hassler: Is 25 Too Young To Be In A Committed Relationship?

2008-11-11T13:01:17Z

Dear Christine,
I'm 25 years old and I've been in a serious and exclusive relationship with my girlfriend since our junior year in college. There is nothing necessarily wrong with the relationship, but I'm starting to wonder if I am making a mistake by committing so early. I'm really not ready to get married, but I don't necessarily want to break up either. I've just never really experienced being single. Am I making a mistake I will someday regret by committing this early?
Questioning Commitment, 25, Los Angeles

Dear Questioning Commitment,

Part of what the twentysomething years are about is getting to know yourself and how you are as an individual - separate from your family, your friends, and a boyfriend or girlfriend. In a serious relationship, it's more challenging to figure out who you are.

I recommend people in their early to mid twenties do not get in super serious relationships - spend that time with your friends, establishing your career, and investing in your own personal growth. You will change so much in your twenties and as you change, the type of person you will attract will change as well. Plus, you have the rest of your life to share a tube of toothpaste with someone, so what's the rush?

And I'd be saying the same thing to a woman your age. Although generally speaking, women are more likely to want a serious, committed relationship; it's important for both men and women not jump into or stay in a serious relationship just because you don't want to be alone. It's important to learn how to be happy as a single, independent person - especially if you intend to eventually walk down the aisle toward lifelong partnership. I'm not encouraging you to "sow your oats" meaning sleeping with as many girls as possible, but the fact that you are questioning this commitment suggests that you are not ready to be a one-woman man.

It's also not fair to yourself or to your girlfriend to stay in this relationship just because it's become comfortable. I'm betting some major growth has happened for each of you since junior year of college until now. When was the last time you really took a look at the person you have become and the person your girlfriend is today? Also, what do you define as "nothing wrong" with the relationship? To ask that question a different way, what do you think is right with the relationship? A pro/con list may sound like a boring exercise, but it might help clarify for you what you want in a relationship compared to what you have now.

I'm also wondering where the subject of marriage comes up. At 25, it's not surprising you don't feel ready to get married, but are you feeling pressure from friends, family, or your girlfriend to become engaged? If you know that you are not ready, then it's time to have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. She may or may not be the person to spend the rest of your life with, but if you stay in this relationship and move it forward out of obligation, you are at best doing each of you a disservice and at worst will end up becoming bitter or resentful within the relationship.

This woman has obviously been such a large part of your life for so long, but for both of your sakes, be honest with yourself and with her. Your doubt is stemming from something, and it's best to address it now. If you end up deciding to break up, I'm not saying it wont be difficult, but it may end up being for both of your higher goods because believe me, no woman ever wants to be thought of as a mistake.

-Christine

Email your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Karen Leland: Four Ways To Get Out Of The Yes Trap

2008-11-07T09:32:29Z

You're standing around the water cooler minding your own business when your co-worker from the next cubicle starts pleading with you to organize next month's holiday office party. Your brain does a quick game of connect the dots and realizes that between next weeks sales presentation and your Aunt Joan's visit, the inevitable answer must be no. As you open your mouth to say "I'm sorry I wish I could, but I can't," you do a 180 degree turn around and out spills " I would be happy to." Why is it that such a small two-letter word can be so difficult to say?

The key is to learn to say "yes" to the right things and "no" to the wrong ones. That's easier to do if you understand the following four saying yes traps and their solutions.

Trap #1: Good Candy. Remember when you were a kid and there was always one house on the block that handed out really good Halloween candy? Your plans always included a visit to that address. Even as an adult, no one wants to feel like they are missing out. Say you get invited to the movies, or you are asked to be part of a task team at work. Instead of saying I'm too tired or busy, you say yes for fear that if you decline you might miss an opportunity. Marjorie Brody author of Career Magic: A Women's Guide to Reward and Recognition says, "We are afraid that if we say no, we might miss a chance to be recognized for our talents or seen as someone who is willing to jump in and help out. We don't want to be the only one not going to the party."

Smart Solution: When you want to participate but the timing or scope is wrong, you can always offer an option or ask for a rain check. Try saying "I'd love to be asked at another time."

Trap #2: Bad Guy. Saying no is not just a problem of the willy-nilly and weak-kneed. Feeling an internal pressure to say yes has nothing to do with education, success or smarts. The fear is that if you say no, you might be perceived as unfriendly, uncooperative or not a team player. If you say no and someone gets angry, accept it and apologize for their hurt feelings, but not your decision to take care of yourself. Smart Solution: Let the other person know you empathize with their situation or feelings. Try saying, "I know how important this is and I feel bad, but I'm not in a position to say yes."

Trap #3: You Like Me. Wow they want you to be in charge of the team ski trip to Mount Saint Helens. Of course you are flattered, who wouldn't be? Everyone wants to be liked and likes to be wanted. The opportunity to be part of a group is rewarding but even things that are fun can become a burden if you're overextended. Smart Solution: In this 24/7 can-do culture the pressure to say yes to everything can be overwhelming. Create a boundary that lets other people know when you have reached your time, energy and attention limits. Try Saying "I have to many other things on my plate right now."

Trap #4: Got Guilt. Sure your local church or synagogue could really use your help -- and your sister in law definitely needs someone to watch the kids. If you find yourself saying yes because you are worried about hurting someone else's feelings, or think your being selfish by saying no, you're caught in a trap. "For many of us it's a knee jerk reaction to be constantly thinking about the people in our life. When the requests come in we have been trained to say yes." Says Helen Lerner author of Time for Me: A Burst of Energy for Busy Women. Smart Solution: When you are asked to do something you really don't want to do, draw a clear line in the sand. Try saying "I don't want to do that."

Take The 'Yes' Trap Quiz

How often are you caught in the yes trap? You might be surprised. The more of these questions you answer 'true' to, the more you need to recover your ability to just say no and regain the balance in your life. Circle true or false:

1. I often say yes for fear of missing out on something.

True / False

2. I frequently worry that if I say no I might hurt someone's feelings.

True / False

3. I often think if I say no I may be viewed as uncooperative or not a team player.

True / False

4. I frequently feel guilty when I say no, especially if I can see what is needed.

True / False

5. I want people to like me so I often say yes, even when I don't really have the time or energy.

True / False

6. In general it makes me feel uncomfortable to say no.

True / False

***

Karen Leland is author of the recently released book "Time Management In An Instant: 60 Ways to Make the Most of Your Day." Check out her work-life balance blog here and for questions or comments please email kleland@scgtraining.com.

Christine Hassler: What To Do With An Overachiever

2008-11-04T08:47:22Z

Dear Christine,

My son, a college student, has been on the honor roll his entire life. Getting a B on a quiz or a paper totally freaks him out. While having a motivated kid is every parent's dream, I am worried that his relentless pursuit of straight A's is starting to interfere with his health. He's so stressed about grades and building up his resume that I'm concerned he's not enjoying his college experience. Am I worrying over nothing? What can I do to help him?

Worried Mother of an Overachiever, 52, Ann Arbor

Dear Worried About My Honor Student,

First of all, I commend you for being concerned about your son's health and experience more than about bragging rights as the parent of a straight-A son. While ambition and the desire to succeed are redeemable qualities, I think you have a valid reason for being concerned if that is your son's only focus. College really is about broadening your horizons in and out of the classroom.

As a first step, consider if you over validated his academic achievements in the past. When he was growing up, as a parent did you put too much emphasis on his academic success? Were you one of those parents who drove around with a "My Child is an Honor Student at Ann Arbor Elementary" bumper stickers on your mini-van? I ask because the parenting trend when Gen Y'ers was growing up was constant validation and praise of children. Parents gleamed with delight at their own child's success and wanted them to be the best - so much so that many became "helicopter parents." Gen Y'ers often report that the reason they put so much pressure on themselves is because they believe that is how to make their parents proud.

If this is even partially the case, have a conversation with your son admitting that perhaps you encouraged and rewarded the good grades and external achievement too much, but that grades are not all that matter in life. There is way too much pressure these days placed on kids to get top grades while building the great extra-curricular resume that will get them into the top colleges. Think back to activities he might have really enjoyed, but put on the backburner, and see if maybe he could reintroduce elements to balance out his college life.

And all overachievers are compensating for an area in life where they feel like they are underachieving - I know from experience. In middle school I started to get ostracized and teased quite a bit - there was even an "I hate Christine club." This made me extremely insecure and very socially awkward. To avoid the pain of what I was feeling, I became obsessive about getting good grades. Being a straight A student became part of my identity. What might your son be compensating for?

If you have the type of relationship with your son that you can speak honestly and openly with him, ask him why he is putting so much pressure on himself. Remind him that you are proud of him no matter what and begin validating him for his non-academic accomplishments. Warning: tread lightly and do a lot of listening, remember you are his mother, not his therapist.

For some expert advice I turned to Maria Pascucci, former college perfectionist and stressaholic, and author of the new book: Campus Calm University: The College Student's 10-Step Blueprint to Stop Stressing & Create a Happy, Purposeful Life. She says, "Consider telling your high-achieving son that while you're proud of his academic accomplishments, he is cheating himself if he only ties his self-worth to what he can place on his resume. Tell him why he's special in any way that cannot be measured by a letter grade. Believe me, he probably needs to hear it! Send him an e-mail that says something like this: "High school and college will help prepare you for your future, but you are in charge of your own destiny. Soak up all the knowledge you can and enjoy the ride through academia. When you make it out to the other side, it's your passion, persistence and commitment to lifelong learning that will ultimately help you build your happy and successful future, not a perfect resume or GPA."

While you can take these steps to help break his academically focused habit, know that changes wont happen overnight and unless he wants to change. Because of feelings of insecurity, failure, etcetera, this really may be his current coping mechanism. Do your best to be supportive and to create a dialogue, but don't force it. An intrusive critique could cause him to pull away, and leave you without the access to help in the future.

As a recovering over-achiever, I can honestly say that all of us at some point realize that trying to be the best is exhausting and does not lead to lasting fulfillment. And, hey, look at the bright side: you have an ambitious twenty-something, rather than one that is sitting on your couch waiting for a lighting bolt of inspiration to strike!

-Christine
Send your questions and comments to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Mona Ackerman: When The Fear Of Transition Leaves You Frozen

2008-10-30T12:27:20Z

Q: I am going through a real puzzling period. I am not sure what is actually happening to me. I feel frozen.

I am a healthy, single 64 year old award-winning composer. My life has been an interesting one and for the most part quite lucky. I have had a close relationship with my four sisters, my friends are numerous, I have traveled extensively, and I have many interests other than music. I feel satisfied and fulfilled. In my fifties, I went back to school to get a degree in comparative religion. I grew up Catholic and have always felt spiritual. Once I left my parents' home I stopped going to church. I recently became a member of a church that responds more to my need for open, questioning, intellectual spirituality.

Of course, there have been some more difficult moments as well. My childhood was relatively happy, but my Dad was an alcoholic and I can remember being the perfect child in order not to upset him and incite his rage. I had a tough time then, but I am now sympathetic to the pressure he must have felt to support a family with five daughters.

I am successful in my field, but there is no doubt that I had to struggle. Success can sometimes be a process of clawing one's way to the top. I have had numerous lovers and even some long-term relationships, but none of them measured up to the man I was once engaged to. He unfortunately dropped dead in front of me three weeks before we were supposed to get married. Our relationship was one of mutual respect and mutual satisfaction. We listened to each other and we tried every day to make the other happy. I haven't been able to find another relationship yet to compare with this one.

Now, I believe there is another stage left for me to experience, but I don't know what it is. How does one transition to that next stage? You often write about the importance of transitions, but I get the feeling they are painful. I don't believe that change has to be a cataclysmic event. I am hoping that at this age, I can transition smoothly. I am trying to be as aware and as thoughtful about this transition as possible. I am prepared to change my life completely and have tried various ways to use my musical talent.

I am also hoping for a relationship that will finally be a shared experience. I am really hoping that in my next little life I will be valued for myself. I want this in my work and in my personal life.

At least to myself, I seem so clear. Then, why am I frozen?

A: The first thing you need to do is to review your lifetime experiences. You have very effectively been able to transcend several experiences that might have felled a lesser person. You have developed a wonderful mix of intellectualization, understanding, and hard work. You are clearly a survivor.

But pain -and you have had your share -- takes its toll on us all. Eric Ericson, the well-known developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, believed that throughout life there are stages or conflicts that we need to resolve in order to successfully transition to the next stage. If we do not resolve a conflict before moving on, that conflict will reappear in subsequent stages. For instance, the role of a teenager is to work through the conflict of "identity vs. role confusion." In other words, to become an adult, one must develop one's own sense of identity rather than following the identities of others in the group.

What are some of your unresolved conflicts? Let's start with your father. As an adult, you can understand the pressure he was under. But you did not have to deal with your father's alcoholism as an adult, but as a child. Those feelings -the ones you had as a kid -are the ones that need to be faced. They include the feeling you had as a child that your needs were not as important as the need to keep your father calm. A child cannot trust a parent who doesn't make him or her feel safe or listened to. The harsh fact is that you were probably not valued as a child. Little wonder then that you continue to search for the security you lacked as a child and the sense of being valued.

Secondly, your career is successful, but your description of the struggle to get there is joyless. You feel that you are valued for your musical abilities, your talent, but not for whom you are. Your music awards are the result of hard work and talent. That's good, but it makes you question whether your identity tied to success and applause or to an appreciation of your inner qualities? Once again your struggle is to be valued as you wanted to be as a child.
Most importantly, you search for a relationship in which you will feel valued. When your fiancé suddenly died, you experienced an extraordinary trauma. What makes it worse for you is that this man, your fiancé, offered you the only relationship in which, by your own account, you found yourself listened to. You felt that your needs were taken into account. You felt valued. And yet you probably have not made yourself open to another, similar, relationship. But if you had this sort of rich and fulfilling relationship once, you can have it again. Why do you close yourself off?

You seem to want the next transition in your life to focus away from a career and on to a relationship. You want to find yourself valued as an individual not because of your talents. You are fearful that change means pain and can only be accomplished through a cataclysmic, possibly traumatic, event. That has been your experience. Your father was explosive, your career required clawing upwards, and your fiancé dropped dead in front of you. Naturally, you are afraid of that happening again. You may fear a new stage of life or a new relationship because if you finally ask others to value you for yourself, it will be taken away from you. Emotionally, this is how you experience the death of your fiancé.

Take the plunge. Go for the next stage. If you feel some of the fear and anger from your past and if you keep that fear and anger in the past where it belongs, you may be able to move to the next stage. Only you are holding yourself back and only you can free yourself from old patterns.

Christine Hassler: You've Sacrificed Everything For Your Mother...Now What?

2008-10-28T10:15:48Z

Dear Christine,
I put my career on hold two years ago in order to help my mom write a book, start a career, obtain a divorce, and find a new partner. I have given 100% of my time and energy to these tasks, and I succeeded: my mom now has all the things that she wanted. I didn't think about the consequences of the choices I made at the time -- my mom was totally dysfunctional and was threatening suicide. Plus, I had hated every job I'd had since college graduation, so I figured I should throw myself into something (or someone) that I loved. Now, she's finally happy with her life, and she turns to me and says, "Why don't you have a career and decent living at 26?" I am totally unqualified for any job at this point and how could I tell any employer the truth about the last two years of my life? I feel as if now I'm worse off than my mom ever was.
Sacrificed Me for My Mom, 26, Chicago

Dear Sacrificed Me for My Mom,

It seems like this issue is much bigger than what to tell an employer. The fact that you basically stopped your entire life to take care of your mom and now she is not turning around to support you is concerning to say the least. You mentioned that she was dysfunctional and suicidal - has she ever gotten any medical or psychiatric help? That is far more important than writing a book, finding a career, or dating. It sounds like your mother has not been much of a mother to you at all and if you have not gotten any counseling to deal with this very unhealthy relationship, I highly recommend it.

Although I can understand your motivation for helping your mom because you had not found a job you liked and because you probably felt some sort of obligation, it was never your responsibility. Once you began to live her life for her, it probably became too difficult to get out of that pattern. Helping her gave you a sense of purpose at the cost of losing yourself. Now that she has the life she wants and is questioning yours, hopefully you can see clearly that the person you should be taking care of and investing in should be you! It's time to step more fully into your own life, and you can start by transitioning out of hers.

For the past two years your entire identity has been wrapped up in your mother's life. It's time to get back to basics and ask yourself some questions: What characteristics describe you? What do you enjoy? What are your talents and skills you've acquired? What type of things do you look forward to? What kind of people do you enjoy working with? Get reacquainted with yourself.

I encourage you to reframe the belief that you are not qualified for any job. Turning a person's life around on every level definitely gives you some experience that is transferable. Think about what you learned about money, writing a book, building a business, the law, negotiations, interpersonal interaction, and so on. You mentioned you were 100% committed to your mother which demonstrates your work ethic and accountability. You've had to be her coach, counselor, business partner, support system, etc. Don't look back at these years as something to hide. True it is often easier to help others than ourselves, but still most people would not have made the same sacrifice. Look at it as an incredible accomplishment and a testament to how capable you truly are.

I recommend you meet with a friend or mentor (or career coach if financially feasible) and describe to him/her the job duties you've performed for the past two years - and yes, taking care of your mom was a full-time job. Ask them to listen with an ear for transferable skills and request that they ask you detailed questions. Often speaking candidly with an objective third party can offer you perspective and be very revealing. My sense is that you'll begin to see that you HAVE done a lot over the past two years. Realizing this is going to be crucial to your confidence about getting a job.

Diane K. Danielson, CEO of The Downtown Womens Club, the career resource and business network for women on the go, had some great feedback: "Start your job hunt by looking at what you didn't like about the jobs you had. Once you discover what you "don't" want to do, then it will be easier to focus on what you really want to do. Next, if you already have an idea of a career you would like to pursue, start seeking out people who may be able to help you find that job to get you started. If you don't, you should still be out there networking to find a job or career that might be of interest. And don't worry so much about taking two years off. When anyone asks about the gap in your employment, you can respond "I took two years off to care for my mother." No need to elaborate or be defensive. As for your resume, if you had any type of work during the time period - part-time, temping, volunteer - put it in there. If you don't, you'll have to leave it blank; but, you will need to explain that gap up front and in any cover letters. Finding the perfect job may take some time, so build your skills through contract work, temping or taking classes."

I understand that the past two years have been incredibly difficult for you and I commend you for being there in such a huge way for your mother. Understandably, you are scared and feel worse off than she ever was, but you are not. If you can rebuild her life, you can surely create your own! You are only 26; rest assured your life is just beginning. But remember to focus on YOUR life now.

-Christine
Send me your questions: christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent: Hot Chicks Q&A: Ups And Downs Of Ultimatums

2008-10-25T08:00:00Z

Our second book, HOW TO LOVE LIKE A HOT CHICK: The Girlfriend to Girlfriend Guide to Getting the Love You Deserve, will be released this January, and we are already getting flooded with emails from Hot Chicks of all ages who are looking for some fun, uplifting advice on love, dating, and relationships. We've received a few emails specifically about engagements and marriage ultimatums, such as the one below. So many women in relationships are faced with a loudly ticking biological clock and don't know how to get to the next step in their relationship without giving their man a nasty ultimatum. It's hard to find the balance between saying what you want with love and putting so much pressure on your man that he ends up running in the other direction faster than Michael Phelps swims the butterfly. Since this seems to be such a common issue among women, we wanted to share our response with all of you in hopes that one more Hot Chick can stop stressing about having a ring on her finger and start enjoying her relationship.

Q: I know your next book out is "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 ½ years (I'm 27) and I want to take things to the next level. I want to be engaged. We've discussed it, and that's where he wants to head, as well, but not at the same time as me. I told him about 9 months ago that I see myself engaged to him by the end of the year, or else I'm afraid I have to move on, because I want to be married! I know he's been looking at rings recently. However, we just spoke about it last night, and he said he's not sure he's going to be ready, and he's shocked that I put a time limit on it, etc. But mutual friends and family feel as if he is headed in that direction. I want to stick firm to what I said, so he takes me seriously, but I am so confused. What do I do?!

A: First of all, let us remind you that you are a total Hot Chick, and a very important part of being a Hot Chick is being able to know what you want and be honest about it. We commend you for being clear with yourself, the universe and your boyfriend about what you want! Now let's help you get it...

First of all, we want to make absolutely sure that this is the guy that you really want to marry. It's not that we don't trust you, but we know lots of girls who want so badly to be married that they settle for someone who isn't worthy of them. We don't want you to do that and it doesn't sound like you are, but we want you first to check in with yourself to make sure. Once you're positive, we want you to relax a little bit - what a wonderful thing to know you've met the guy you want to marry! Just enjoy that knowledge for a moment. It sounds to us like you and your boyfriend are both on the same page, and it's just your fear that it's not gonna happen that is causing you anxiety. You have to let that go. You have said what you want. You have been very clear. He knows what you want. And you may not like it, but we think you have to let it go. Stop stressing and counting down the days until your ultimatum is up, and instead put your energy into nurturing yourself and your relationship.

Sometimes guys move at a different speed than us. It takes some of them a bit more time to completely get behind the idea of "forever," but you can't let that make you feel insecure. It's not about you; it's about him figuring out what he wants out of life just like you did. He knows what you want, and now you just need to let him get there. That will be more fun for both of you! Let him surprise you. Let him get excited about the idea of picking out a ring and getting down on one knee. Let him enjoy the process of getting engaged and we think it will all go a lot more smoothly. Of course, you don't have to wait for a proposal - you can propose to him! But you have to decide what is honestly more important to you: making the engagement happen yourself right now or having the experience of being proposed to by the man you love. Only you know which one of those will feel more right to you.

We have totally been through this and we know how frustrating it is. We've also seen many of our friends give their men ultimatums; sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes men do need a little kick in the pants to get them moving, but the truth is that you've already done that. You did your job, and unless you want to be the one doing the proposing, you really just need to let it go and focus on your relationship. Focus on your intimacy and friendship, have fun together, and just stop worrying about getting married. You're young and you have plenty of time to get married one day, and we promise that it will happen when the time is right.

Now, if a lot of time goes by and your boyfriend doesn't come around, you will know what to do. You have to trust yourself and your intuition. You will know when the time is right to move on. But if you really, truly love him and if this man is really truly the one for you, you will not be able to walk away from the relationship--and neither will he. Don't worry that you will make the wrong decision. Just focus on your love and trust that everything will happen at the right time.

We wish you all the love and luck in the world. Keep us posted, and keep the questions coming!

Do These 5 Things Every Day To Stay Sane

2008-10-22T11:54:36Z

Simple activities such as gardening or mending a bicycle can protect mental health and help people to lead more fulfilled and productive lives, a panel of scientists has found.

A "five-a-day" programme of social and personal activities can improve mental wellbeing, much as eating fruit and vegetables enhances physical health, according to Foresight, the government think-tank. Its Mental Capital and Wellbeing report, which was compiled by more than 400 scientists, proposes a campaign modelled on the nutrition initiative, to encourage behaviour that will make people feel better about themselves.

People should try to connect with others, to be active, to take notice of their surroundings, to keep learning and to give to their neighbours and communities, the document says.

Its advice to "take notice" includes suggestions such as "catch sight of the beautiful" and "savour the moment, whether walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends". Examples of learning include mending a bike or trying to play a musical instrument.

Keep reading...

Gretchen Rubin: 6 Contradictions That Will Help You Be Happier

2008-10-22T09:30:47Z

My nine-year-old daughter is fascinated by anything that smacks of paradox. Just yesterday, she noticed that a bank statement that I'd left on the kitchen table had a page that said, "This page intentionally left blank." "Look, Mom!" she said gleefully. "It can't be labeled that it was 'left blank.' It's not blank, it has that notice printed on it!"

As I've worked on my Happiness Project, I've been struck by the paradoxes I keep confronting. The opposite of a great truth is also true. I try to embrace these contradictions:

1. Accept yourself, but expect more of yourself.
2. Keep an empty shelf, and keep a junk drawer.
3. Take yourself less seriously--and take yourself more seriously.
4. Use your time efficiently, yet make time to play, to wander, to read at whim, to fail.
5. Think about yourself so you can forget yourself.
6. The days are long, but the years are short.

Often, the search for happiness means understanding both sides of the contradiction.

Take, for example, Item #1 above. W. H. Auden articulates beautifully this tension: "Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity."

***

Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

"Work-Life Balance" And 9 Other Banishable Buzz Words

2008-10-15T11:50:01Z

How do you achieve balance between work and family? Scale back, adjust your expectations, be flexible, goes the accepted thinking. But experts at a recent conference at Madrid's IESE Business School have better ideas.

At Building Sustainable Societies: Trends and Best Practices in Work and Family Balance, academics and businesspeople presented some of the new and innovative ways to think about getting our lives into kilter. In these crazy economic times, everyone is reevaluating what's important, making healthy working lives more important than ever. And that means ditching these 10 worst outmoded phrases.

1. Work-life balance

Everybody wants it, nobody has any clue about how to get it. That's because the idea is all wrong, according to Dr Steven Poelmans, co-founder of the International Centre of Work and Family at Madrid's IESE Business School. "I don't like the word balance," he says, since it means if you put more into one side (say, work or family responsibilities), there's less time for another. Instead companies and employees need to think about harmonising work life, prioritising things in the various parts of life as you need you to. "Work-life balance is about having a sense of meaning and purpose in life," says Poelmans.

Sophie Keller: How Happy Is... Your Friendship?

2008-10-14T09:36:13Z

Finding a good friend can often be as difficult as finding a really good love relationship. Not every friend that we have has to be in our lives forever. We may have friendships that last a lifetime, others that last for a certain amount of years as we go through similar experiences and there are those that are rather fleeting. (Not sure if the latter is in the 'friendship' category!) But hopefully we learn and grow with each of our relationships, no matter how long they are.

We all have various ways of approaching friendship. Some like to have a lot of friends, without opening up fully with any one in particular, some like to have a new best friend each year and others are fiercely loyal and like to have relationships that last a lifetime. Don't be judgmental about other people's approach, just because it isn't yours. The key is to connect with others who approach friendship in the same way as you, for it to work.

For instance, if you like to have a lot of friends, but not share too deeply with any, then connecting with people who are similar can work. But, if you are someone who likes to have friends for life and become friends with someone who likes to have a new best friend each year, then that is when a miss match can occur and potential hurt for the one who likes friendships to build and last over a long period of time. Here are a few friendship tips.

TIP 1: Do not be critical. If you are you will end up with no friends. Everyone has issues and keep in mind that your friend is also growing and transforming through life as you are and they will not be perfect. If you are more realistic about them from the beginning and have less expectations, then you less likely to feel let down by them. The higher the pedestal you put them on, the further they have to fall.

TIP 2: The dangers of gossip. Never, never talk badly about other friends to your friends, because even if you THINK they are a comrade in arms, I promise you, they will be thinking that you talk badly about them as well, when they are not around and they will NOT trust you fully. Also, it is a real energy drain to discuss others negatively. In fact, next time you gossip, notice how your energy is lower than before you gossiped.

TIP 3: Argue freely, but make up quickly. Please, please, do not break up a good friendship over a disagreement. You must be able to argue with your friends if needs be, but drop it quickly, like you might do with a member of your family. Too many really good friendships break up over small disagreements. Whereby, if you had the same argument with a partner, you would forgive them within a day. If you adhere to my first tip and don't put your friends on a pedestal then it makes this one much easier.

TIP 4: Outdated Friendships. As I mentioned before, some friendships are not meant to be forever, but you give an enormous amount to each other over a period of time and then move in separate directions. If this is the case, don't be critical of the other person and the direction that they are going in. Be grateful for the time that you have spent together, send them all the love and good wishes and move on.

TIP 5: Who do you have around you? Here is a method to help you work out whether a relationship is still good for you. Before you spend time with a friend check out how your energy feels on a scale of 1 to 10. Then once you have spent time with them, notice if you feel more energized or drained and again, give it a number between 1 and 10. If they have drained you and you seem to feel that each time you are with them over a long period of time, then perhaps it is time to move on from that friendship. If you feel energized after your interaction or time together, then fantastic, that is a nourishing relationship.

That's it for this week. If you want to make contact with me I'd love to hear from you so please e-mail me at sophie@howhappyis.com.

Christine Hassler: How To Be Persistent Without Being A Pest

2008-10-13T17:15:46Z

Hi Christine,

I am looking for a job in branded entertainment. I had a great interview at a talent agency recently, but she told me the position may not be open for a month or so. I sent her a thank you email as well as an article I thought she may find of interest. There is also another agency I'm meeting with, but the interview keeps getting rescheduled due to his travel schedule. My contact there has emailed me himself and assured me he wants to meet with me. How do I pursue both of these agencies? Do I ask the former when she plans to make a decision? Do I keep pushing to get in with the second agency? I'm just not sure of how to walk that fine line between being persistent and being too aggressive.

Sincerely,
Job Seeker, 27, Los Angeles

Dear Job Seeker,

Given that you've already had one interview and have made contact with a connection at another agency, you are off to a great start in a very competitive industry. It also sounds like you have a follow-up pattern down pretty well. I'm continually surprised when I hear from employers how few interviewees actually send thank you notes. Consider sending a hand-written one as well -- that has completely become a lost art.

In terms of walking that fine line, hiring managers and bosses like seeing persistence -- but they don't like pests. No one likes to feel like their inbox is being infiltrated by over-eager job seekers. Keep email follow-ups to one every week and a half or so; and this is if and only if you are actually getting responses back. In order to not be a pest, you have to learn how to gauge your contact's response time and tone. If they don't get back to you or if they say things like, "As we already discussed" or "I will contact you," then back off.

However, if they continue to be responsive, then respectfully keep the communication line open. For example, if the woman who you sent the relevant article to got back to you in a few days with some sort of gratitude or enthusiasm, that's a good indicator that she appreciated the contact and information. Use her thank you response to you as an opportunity to reassert your interest in the field. You can even tie in your comments to points made in the article and start a dialogue with her, showing her your understanding of your field of interest and that you've done your research. So, continue to send her additional information but only if it's relevant. I don't recommend just looking for something to send for the sake of sending it.

In terms of how assertive to be about the job offer, I'd give it two more weeks and then email her reiterating your thanks for her meeting with you, your interest in a position, and inquire about a timeline of when she may be looking to hire. If it turns out they won't even be interviewing candidates for several months and you need a job badly, then it would be best to concentrate your efforts on the second company. Moreover, from your question, it is not clear if she was 100% certain that the position is yours when it becomes available. You need this clarity before making any assumptions and playing the waiting game.

As for the second company, it is a great sign that the man you will be interviewing with emailed you personally about the delay. You can send an email thanking him for his personal reply and mention again your interest in the company and the position. However, since the interview is being delayed because he is out of town, and since you haven't met with him before, there really isn't much else to push for.

For even more specific advice, I sought out the expert opinion of Dana Salston, CEO of Industry Recruiting and Consulting:

"If during your first interview you were told that the position may not be open for a month or so, wait until about week 3 ¾ and if you still have not heard anything send a follow-up email inquiring as to the status of the position-after that, the ball is really in their court. When it comes to dealing with an interview that is consistently getting pushed, check back once a month (at most) via email and be patient. While working at an agency is a stellar idea you need to broaden your search to include: Ad Agencies, Marketing/Branding Companies, PR Agencies and Studios. In the interim try looking into temping - most studios have an in-house temp pool and there are many temp agencies that work within entertainment. This can be a great way to network and hone your skills at the same time."

I echo Dana's advice about pursuing other options since both of these companies seem to be in a holding pattern. I see too many job seekers become overly focused on a job they think they deserve or will be offered someday before the actual offer is a reality today. Don't become so tunnel-visioned with either of these positions that you lose your job seeking momentum.

-Christine
Send me your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Tara Stiles: If Sarah Palin Did Yoga... (VIDEO)

2008-10-11T08:09:55Z

I don't know if Sarah would be into trying yoga. It can be a fairly meditative practice that involves self-observation. Also, I'm pretty sure it's not mentioned in the bible. Of course most everyone knows that yoga is not a religion. And even if you wanted to convert to Hinduism, they probably wouldn't let you in, so nothing to fear there. Well, nearly nothing. Yoga could lead to some pondering, and a few rather tricky questions about self and life. All that thinking for yourself might be dangerous. Wink!

So I've created a yoga routine just for Sarah Palin. I think yoga can help her reduce stress, focus, relax, and most importantly, increase brain activity. Same of course for the rest of us, so grab your mat and follow along.

Warrior/Maverick Pose

Be the best maverick you can be with the warrior poses. We'll start in a lunge and open the arms and hips up into a Warrior 2. Now use your imagination. Gaze right over your front hand into the eyes of your opponent, you know, the bad guys. Then square your hips off to your front leg, and go ahead and face them Russkis dead on. Just imagine you're on your porch back home, staring across that strait. Remember to breathe and be calm, but let them know you mean business. You aren't going to put up with any funny stuff.

Extra Credit

For a little extra credit let's try Warrior 3. It's a bit tricky but I know you can do it Sarah, because you've got the zest in ya, wink! Go ahead and stand on one leg and tip the whole thing over into the letter T. You can remember this because T stands for Track, your son. Or Tara, your favorite yoga guru!

Bow and Arrow

Whew. That was a lot of work. Time for some relaxing and fun! I know you're a hunter so we're going to try bow and arrow pose. Sit down and bring your legs straight out in front of you. Grab one foot and bend your elbow to bring it all the way back by your ear. Now shoot it out in front of you, and change sides. Imagine you're up in that helicopter shooting those wolves, or maybe even a polar bear. Save 'em the trouble of drowning. Maybe we could cut taxes by selling the fur on eBay. What do you think? I'm thinking pretty coats.

Head Stand

Everyone who practices yoga knows that headstands do it all . . . better blood flow to the entire body, stimulate the nervous, circulatory, respiratory, and digestive systems, reduce stress, and best of all, they're very good for the brain. People feel refreshed after practicing a headstand. Try a head stand to clear your mind from clutter, confusing questions, and wrong answers. Who knows, you may get inspired.

All right I hope you enjoyed this routine. I promise if you practice it every day you will be the best maverick you can be!

Alex Pattakos: The Meaning and Power of Forgiveness

2008-10-08T09:29:13Z

In light of everything that is going on in our country and the world right now, including the financial crisis and political discord that are now on center stage, it may be a good time to talk about a topic that usually gets ignored when the "blame game" is in full swing. I'm talking about forgiveness. Indeed, getting to forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult and challenging thing that we can do to go beyond ourselves when we are so fixated on our problems, our needs, and our demands. Let's face it, when things are spinning out of control -- and especially out of our control -- it's at least comforting and cathartic, even if it doesn't really resolve anything, to be able to point the blame on others for our situation. Of course, getting to forgiveness under such circumstances is much easier said than done. But it can be done! And, importantly, our capacity to forgive actually provides us with a pathway to true freedom and self-empowerment that, at the same time, is a platform for healing what ails us and for confronting what challenges us.

Forgiveness means "letting go" of our suffering. In effect, it has much more to do with our own well-being than that of the person or persons we forgive. When we hold on to our suffering -- our resentment, hurt, anger -- we are inside ourselves with self-pity. It becomes a veil through which we see ourselves and others; it becomes something we have to feed, keep alive, and justify. If we don't, we think we allow the other person or people to be "right" in their unjust treatment of us.

But forgiveness can be one of the most powerful things we do. Like any muscle, however, it has to be exercised to work well. Forgiveness can be very complicated. Sometimes we think that it equates forgetting, diminishing, or condoning the misdeed, but it really doesn't. It has much more to do with freeing ourselves from its hold. Our ability to live our lives with love, understanding, and generosity is impeded when we don't forgive. It doesn't mean that we have to love and be generous to the woman who was disloyal to us at work or the man who belittled our ideas at a staff meeting. Neither does it mean that we have to love and be generous to those government officials who dropped the ball by not managing the public's business with integrity and accountability or to those corporate executives on Wall Street who dangerously let the will to money trump the will to meaning at the public's expense. No, this is not it. But what it does mean is that we forgive them and liberate ourselves from further captivity. Love and generosity, as well as understanding, will return in their own time and on their own terms (the same holds true for things that happen to us in our personal lives and relationships).

There is another aspect of forgiveness that I would like to share with you. It involves what is referred to as "collective guilt." In this regard, Viktor Frankl, who had survived four Nazi concentration camps, had spoken out all his life against the theory of the collective guilt of the German people. Frankl, in point of fact, had given a now famous speech in which he urged Jews to go and confirm that there were both kinds of people under the Nazi regime, decent people and unprincipled people. Therefore, he argued that it would be unjust to condemn them all, lock, stock, and barrel. By the same token, it would also be unjust to condemn all future generations of Germans for the deeds of those who were, to use Frankl's descriptor, unprincipled.

Fast forward to the present day and ponder the temptation to use the notion of collective guilt against all Saudi Arabians or Muslims for what occurred on September 11, 2001, or against all corporate executives, especially those who make a living on Wall Street, and all government bureaucrats for what is now happening in our economy. Can you see how collective guilt only serves to exacerbate what may be an already bad situation by making it worse? Can you also see how our motivation to forgive or not forgive is tied to collective guilt in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways?

Importantly, when we go beyond ourselves--whether to forgiveness, unselfishness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and understanding toward others--we enter into the spiritual realm of meaning. By giving beyond ourselves, we make our own lives richer. This is a truth long understood at the heart of all meaningful spiritual traditions. It's a mystery that can only be experienced. And when we do experience it, we are in the heart of meaning. We are no longer Prisoners of Our Thoughts (I will share more on this topic in a future post on "Living with Meaning"). And, remember, forgiveness, in the final analysis, is also good for your health!

***

You can find out more about Dr. Alex Pattakos in his HuffPost Bio and at http://www.prisonersofourthoughts.com. Contact Alex at: alex@prisonersofourthoughts.com
Read more: Happiness, Living News, The Balanced Life, Forgiveness, Health, The Inner Life, Attitude, Balanced Life, Meaning, Stress, Living With Meaning, Wall Street, Alex Pattakos, Viktor Frankl, The Giving Life, Relationships, Giving, Living News

Christine Hassler: What To Do After An Interview

2008-10-07T09:14:16Z
Dear Christine,
I had a job interview today that I thought went really well. I am anxious to follow-up with the people I interviewed with and know I should send some kind of "thank you" note as well. What is the protocol for appropriate follow-up?
- Job Seeker, 23, Kansas City

Dear Job Seeker,

Congratulations on a great interview! In terms of follow-up there are various schools of thought on protocol, but I'll give you a summary of what I have heard most from employers as well as what I did that worked well back in my interviewing days.

First, never leave an interview without the business card of the interviewer so that you have their email address, mailing address and phone number. Ask for a card if they do not offer one to you. I also encourage job seekers to create business cards of their own to exchange that includes your name, email, and phone number. If you keep a professional, relevant blog include that url as well. Design your cards to match the tone of the type of industry in wich you are seeking work. For instance, if you are looking for work in financial services, keep the design simple and professional. But if you are applying for jobs in graphic design, your card is an example of your work so a more unique style is appropriate.

In terms of follow-up and thank you notes here is what I suggest:

1.The day of the interview send an email to the individual(s) you interviewed with thanking them for their time and for the opportunity. Keep it brief and professional. Include appropriate salutations, mention one thing from the interview to jog their memory of your interaction, and also indicate when you will be following up with them (I recommend one week from the interview). This is also an opportunity to answer or further address any question(s) you felt you didn't cover well in the interview (i.e. - the brilliance that occurred to you in the elevator ride down to your car after you left the office) Also, make sure when you send an email that it displays your name when it appears in someone's inbox - not an abbreviation or nickname. Send a test email to yourself and a friend to confirm this.

Here is an example of a follow-up email:

Subject line: Thank You for the Interview
Text: "Dear Mr. or Ms. X,
It was nice to meet you today and I am enthusiastic about being a candidate for xyz position and the opportunities you presented. I enjoyed discussing xyz with you and learning about xyz regarding your company. (If applicable:) I gave some additional thought to the question you presented to me about xyz and (insert response here). Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to following up with you on Monday.
Sincerely,
Job Seeker"

2. Send a hand-written "Thank You" note on nice stationary or buy a very simple card (no butterflies, poems, or flowers please). In this note again thank them for the opportunity and their time. Keep it short and sweet. If there is something more personal you discussed in the interview, like a shared hobby or a future trip they are taking, this is a good place to reflect upon that.

3. If you do not hear back from the potential employer, call them on the day you noted you would follow-up. I recommend NOT calling first thing in the morning, right after lunch, or at the end of the day as these are times people tend to be busier. When you call, re-introduce yourself, remind them of when you interviewed and for what position. Ask them if they have made a selection, and if not, when they plan too. Again, keep it short and thank them for their time.

And one more thing, I hear many twenty-somethings be very self-critical after an interview so it is refreshing to hear that you feel good about it. Even if you don't get the job, I encourage you to leave interviews with a positive intention. You are doing the right thing by proactively following up. Now go start writing your emails and thank-you notes!

- Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine AT huffingtonpost.com.

Read more: Career Advice, Twenty-Something Advice, The Balanced Life, Interview, Gen Y, Job Hunt, Living News

Is One Month With No Television Really Possible?

2008-09-30T16:34:54Z
Finish work, eat, slump, channel flick, sleep. Most of my evenings followed this pattern until my partner took the drastic action of cutting the plug off the TV, brandishing it wildly like the scalp of a confounding enemy.

I was initially horrified - "I need the telly for work!" "Gok Wan is not work" "He is! He's part of the zeitgeist! I'm a writer and I need to be connected" - but giving up television was a smart decision.

Instead of restricting our conversations to what needs cleaning, who is doing what at the weekend and "Where did you put the thing?", we have talked more about what makes us happy, where we want our lives to be and taken the time to listen to each other. I can't remember the last time we had a row. Living in Brighton meant we could make the most of the late summer evenings and started taking long walks along the seafront. I can't say it has made me much fitter, but it has made me feel healthier.
Read more: Television, Disconnecting, The Balanced Life, Living News

Dr. Cara Barker: Prescription For Change, Part 3

2008-09-29T09:21:12Z
Change is everywhere. Like it or not, more is on the way. Some we'll like. Some, we won't. If you are a polar bear, and Sarah gets into office, you definitely won't be happy.

We are grapes in the press. All of us. A part of us wants change, but we don't want the price tag. I am reminded of this when hearing interviews of folks at conventions, both parties. I noticed this first at the D.N.C.. Maybe you caught the interview?

These particular women had been elected as delegates to cast their vote for Senator Hillary Clinton. Before her speech, they were queried as to their stance. Their angst was palpable, wanting to support their political party, yet concerned that if they voted for Obama, they would have betrayed their earlier candidate. They were caught on change's ledge, afraid of making the leap. Said one: "I don't know what to do. I hear people say: 'just get over yourself, move on.' I understand what they mean. I'm just afraid I will not have used my voice enough. What if I didn't? I'm not sure how to change."

I'm not using this to rile up political commentary, but, rather, to illustrate the dilemma we human beings have with change. We doubt ourselves. We hesitate. We fear self-betrayal, disappointing others. We are in a heck of a fix. We struggle. We don't know how, much less when, to let go, surrender, move forward. And yet, we must. Our growth, our contribution demands it, as does our healing. Universally, what frightens us is the loss of security. Step one: Only if we can embrace our insecurity can this truth set us free.

Step 2: Change takes courage. The root of which is 'heart.' Victoria, a courageous woman I met on the plane coming back from Atlanta, models it. Having attended the same international conference , along with 17,000 others, we began to chat. I asked Vicki how long she'd been with this international company. "Four years, 'sorta'." I asked her what that meant. "Well, I was with the company, but not really present. What I was doing, for most of that time was separating from my husband, only to return. Eight times, to be exact. I love him, but he's an abuser. Finally, I left." Applauding her courage, I asked V. what changed her way of looking at things? She said: "I went to a seminar, and realized something powerful. I realized that by staying, I had become the abuser to myself. When I 'got' this, I left. I turned my career around. Now, both my business and I are growing."

Victoria is not alone. Our own insecurities become our prison cell and prison guard. Only we have the key. The ego is terrified we will 'make a break' for unknown territory. Ego will not have it, thriving on the illusion of control. It convinces us that we are victims without choice. Just yesterday, I overheard a man say to his coffee partner: "There's nothing we can do. The world's going in a terrible direction. What can one person like me do?" Not much of anything if you look at things from a lens like he's using.

Step 3: The fact is that we have choice. We can use our present circumstances, and become victims. We can stomp our feet , pout, complain things aren't "like they used to be." We can stay paralyzed in fear. Or, we can take precautions, which starts with facing fear. To get to higher common ground, we've got to deal with our own Bogeyman within, a la Victoria.

I've always loved the story where Moses is told "Take off your shoes." There he is, standing on Holy Ground, and doesn't even know it! Just like us. We look somewhere else for our answers. But, what if our present situation, our own 'white water', or Katrina, might be precisely what is needed to force our letting go? Said Meister Eckhart: "God strips us of our props." Perhaps whatever change we're resisting is another chance to 'take off our shoes?' All I know is that without shedding the old, our relationship with this life will not have growing room.

Step 4: Shed. Shedding is not particularly pleasant for humans. Canaries don't seem to mind molting. Dogs seem to shed their hair as easily as snakes, their skin. No P.T.S. D. there. Yet we squirm, resist, protest when life's curve balls come that demand we must let go to grow. Especially when it comes to things we believe we cannot do without.

A few days ago, I was reminded of this as it pertains to money. The speakers were warning the audience about economic collapse and the necessity of getting out of debt. The next day, we heard 5 out of 7 speakers issue the same warning, in another city, another event. I overheard my neighbor mutter to hers: "O.K., I can give up my Starbucks', but nobody takes away my acrylic nails without a fight." Reminded me of the sign I gave my husband for his office: "Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt!"

We want our chocolate in whatever form it comes, in whatever way sweetness is packaged. When threatened, we will use our nails, manufactured or natural. There is an old Finn adage that my mother used to repeat at times of menacing threat to security: "When the cat must climb the tree, she'll find her nails!" This continues around the globe, today.

We do not like anyone messing with our stash. Yet Sprit doesn't seem to care. When our definition of security, of resources , is too small, and what we thought we'd have forever, slips through our grasp and we are asked to shed, to 'take off our shoes,' we don't like it. Symbolically, we are being asked to come into an undated walk with the sacred. But, first, we are stripped clean of what we believe we cannot live without.

So much of our suffering comes not only from what 's happening, but from our relationship to what we believe is taking place. The majority of suffering comes from perception. Not that there is not pain, loss, terrible tragedy. I felt it myself when my son was killed. All I am saying is that it is not only what or who we lose that creates our suffering. It is what we fear about being without. Who will we be without X? What will our relationship with ourselves, to our world become, in this empty space. We do not know. So, we push it away and try to stay so busy we cannot feel our fear. I have a very good friend who is driving herself into an early grave, because with retirement on the horizon, it seems unclear to her who will she be without the identity she's worked so hard to construct. True for individuals and nations, alike. Let's remember, at these junctions, that some mighty good wine can come from the grape that's willing to take the squeeze.
Read more: Reinvention, The Inner Life, Change, The Balanced Life, Living News

Tara Stiles: Can Wal-Mart Make Me Healthy?

2008-09-27T07:33:54Z
Last week I shot an ad for Wall-Mart yoga. This has to be by far the most impressive work I've done, if you ask the folks back home in Illinois. European designers, fashion magazines, and famous photographers are all a bunch of hoo-ha to my small-town family clan. My relatives have been paying attention to all things Tara Stiles ever since my first TV commercial for Illinois Tourism. In the dead of Chicago winter I was twirling on my pointe shoes in white leotard and tiny skirt. I thought I would never regain feeling in my feet, but eventually I thawed out and kept at it.

If you're from the Midwest you've been a Wal-Mart shopper probably since before you were born. Mom was slinging rollback-priced baby goods in the cart while you were swimming in her tummy. Every small town American knows the slogan, "If you can't get it at Wall-Mart you don't need it!" It's probably true.

I'm not praising all of Wal-Mart's practices and company history. The largest ever sex discrimination lawsuit was filed against them in 2001. Then in 2005 a federal jury returned a verdict of $7.5 million against Wal-Mart and an individual manager for discriminating against a disabled man with cerebral palsy. That verdict is one of the largest ever handed down under the ADA and has received worldwide media attention. And of course, how do they really make all these things we're enjoying so cheaply?

Still, there are good things, and Wal-Mart has made some changes in recent years. Health insurance coverage and minimum wage have been boosted. Wal-Mart has launched an ambitious environmental program. This is important because when you're Wal-Mart, cutting one-third of your plastic bag use drops 133 million pounds of plastic waste and 678,000 barrels of oil a year - a program they just launched with the Clinton Global Initiative and the Environmental Defense Fund. Probably it's a good sign that Wal-Mart is receiving criticism from conservative groups who argue the company's new activities are hurting business. Which of course is silliness.

The facts, history, and issues of Wal-Mart can be discussed passionately for hours. I've already heard strong opinions for and against my appearing in a Wal-Mart ad from people who think on all sides of the issue. When it comes to Wal-Mart people have a strong beliefs.

Honestly, I'm more concerned with helping people's lives on an individual and personal basis then spending too much effort digging into all the reasons why or why not I should be involved with each company I work with. If I spent too much energy finding out the negativities every time, I would be alone in my apartment sitting on my yoga mat wondering how I'm going to pay the bills. There has to be a balance. And in this case, the people win.

The people I am referring to are the Wal-Mart shoppers. I talked to the designer of the yoga clothes on the set of our shoot. She told me that the highest selling size at Wal-Mart is XXL. Number 2 is XL and you can figure out the rest. People need to exercise and pay more attention to their health. When Wal-Mart puts their focus on a workout line, it's going to reach a huge number of people. If I get to be a part of that, helping them hit the gym instead of hitting the drive-through on the way home, then I'm in!

Obesity Facts from the CDC

Fact: Obesity rates are soaring in the U.S.

Between 1980 and 2000, obesity rates doubled among adults. About 60 million adults, or 30% of the adult population, are now obese.

Similarly since 1980, overweight rates have doubled among children and tripled among adolescents - increasing the number of years they are exposed to the health risks of obesity.

Fact: Obesity is already having an adverse impact on young people

Type 2 diabetes - once believed to affect only adults - is now being
diagnosed among young people.

In some communities almost half of the pediatric diabetes cases are type 2, when in the past the total was close to zero. Although childhood-onset of Type 2 diabetes is still a rare condition, overweight children with this disease are at risk of suffering the serious complications of diabetes as adults, such as kidney disease, blindness, and amputations.

Sixty-one percent of overweight 5 to 10-year-olds already have at least one risk factor for heart disease, and 26% have two or more risk factors.

And now for the fun obesity comparison chart 1987-2007

So you can say Wal-Mart is the devil and it's wrong to promote anything that comes within 200 yards of them. But they have a huge distribution network with the ability to influence millions of people. There's large potential for good here. Wal-Mart is like a physical version of YouTube. You can find anything you want on YouTube. It let me access millions of people online who maybe wouldn't have tried yoga. Wal-Mart carries a similar heavy weight in its ability to reach people. The more health-oriented products they carry, the better the chances are of shrinking obesity rates and bringing back a healthy balance to people's lives. Where we are now, there's really a desperate need for kicking a healthy trend into the mainstream.

Read more: Yoga, Wal-Mart Environmentalism, Wal-Mart, The Balanced Life, Living News

Mona Ackerman: When Indecision Means It's Time To Grow Up

2008-09-25T09:08:29Z
Q: I have written to you before. At the time, I was dating someone for two years, whom I liked a lot. I felt very comfortable with him. He was really nice and decent, and he brought out in me a peacefulness that I don't usually have. However, even after finishing law school, he was unable to find a job. Frankly, I think he wasn't even motivated. I feared for my future. I wasn't able to convince him that if we were to remain together we needed to think about our future needs: homes, children, schools, position in a community, etc. He kept saying yes, but did nothing about it. My parents tried to be nice to him, but even they felt frustrated with his complete lack of ambition.

Back when I wrote to you, I was also having an affair with someone else. He was quite successful, but not very nice. I was torn between the two men and I also just hated all the lying I had to do.

As I sort of expected, you said I was using the affair in order to leave the relationship with my boyfriend - to have the decision taken out of my hands. You said my indecision was based in some part -maybe a lot - on my inability to separate effectively from my parents. Not only was I still yearning for their approval, but I was also terrified of making a mistake that would threaten my position as their perfect child.

Well, I did finally end the affair -- but only after I met another guy. That, of course, ended my relationship with my old boyfriend as well -two for the price of one, you might say. My new guy is not only very nice, but he makes me laugh. Maybe most important, he is very focused on the future. He actually produces spreadsheets to calculate the years it will take for us to save for a nice home. My parents have not expressed any opinion about him. Still, I think they approve.

But once again, I cannot make a decision. I keep thinking of my old boyfriend. He still has not found work but I still keep fantasizing that he will find a good job and become enormously successful. Then I would have it all -both he and his success -- and I would have no problem making a decision.

Don't you think so?

A: Actually, no! I don't think that if the old boyfriend returned with a sack-full of cash, it would actually change anything. The fact that this scenario is highly unlikely is not the issue. What is the issue is that you still have not separated from your parents. Separation is something that comes from within. It is not something that comes from finding the perfect man - someone who seems to solve all problems and who, on account of his near perfection, earns the enthusiastic approval of your parents.

Separation is something that you will have to work on in therapy. You will have to explore your need to remain a good child. You will have to explore the comfort you get from remaining a child. Childhood has its advantages. There are no decisions to make. There are no responsibilities to bear -and there is never the risk that you will be alone. When you are a child, you can be assured that your parents will always be there, that they will take care of everything, and that they will assume all burdens. You will remain in a comforting environment and be adored -- if you just follow some simple rules. Do well in school. Be polite. You get the picture.

Why not remain a child?

Mostly because no matter how difficult or how lonely being an adult can be, it also gloriously liberating. It entails freedom, the pride of accomplishment and the chance to create your own life on your own terms -your own family, your own house, your own crack at parenting. (Naturally, like all of us, you'll do it better.)

As an adult, you'll begin a new relationship with your parents. This new relationship will entail a new kind of love for them in which you are aware of their faults -but so what? You love them in spite of their faults. This new relationship will also mean that no longer will you be looking to your parents for constant affirmation of your wonderfulness. You will be looking to yourself for this.

Sometimes parents themselves make it hard for separation to occur. Look at what your own parents are doing. They encouraged you in thinking that boyfriend number one was insufficiently ambitious for their little girl. Now with boyfriend number two, they are mum. He seems to fit your bill and he seems to fit their bill. Why the silence? You look to them for approval and they withhold it. The three of you -you on one side, mom and pop on the other - are in total synch as enablers. You're afraid to grow up and make a decision and they're afraid to let you do it.

So, you need to understand that you indecisiveness, your inability to find the perfect person (which includes constantly thinking about the old boyfriend), are continuing -and successful --attempts to avoid making any decision at all. I always tell patients that if they want to understand their real feelings -- or to understand what someone else is really feeling - don't try to look into the heart, but down at the feet. Which way are they moving? Are they moving at all? Pardon the cliché, but actions do indeed speak louder than words.

So for the time being, don't worry about not being able to make a decision. Instead focus on the underlying reason that keeps you from moving forward. Start working on your issues about growing up. Look at your feet. Now walk to a good therapist.

Read more: Advice Column, The Balanced Life, Self-Help, Living News